Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
×

:iconnephele99: More from Nephele99


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
November 1, 2012
File Size
1.2 KB
Submitted with
Sta.sh
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
454 (1 today)
Favourites
15 (who?)
Comments
17
Downloads
1

License

Creative Commons License
Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
×
A whisper, in cold skies of old, dying stars
Is heard, and their lingering death
With not one regret turns and scatters in waste,
As realms of shattered humanity haste
To live and to burn out their breath.

Yet soon there's a scream, a small cry of despair
That binds all the skies to avail,
And one daring soul stands behind to convey
His wish to unravel all living dismay,
To bury his past and prevail.

And thus it begins, as no man can escape
The sweet domination of want,
While stars burn and shine, for so he allows,
The master of wishes that hastily vows
To bring forth desires to grant.

But no man can endure the cruel truth behind,
The wasteland of the human fate,
As all exploration of such fragile minds
Leads only to nothing, and all that it finds
Are fragments of wishes and hate.

And so he remains, whose new story of life
Has neither a middle nor end.
For stars will grow cold and will wantonly die
When wishes are old, while humanity’s lie
Of life will no longer commend.
This is a new poem I made :)
Feedback and critiques are greatly appreciated ^_^
Add a Comment:
 
:iconprettyflour:
prettyflour Feb 27, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Hey there,

Prettyflour here on behalf of :iconpoeticalcondition: with the critique you requested.

This poem has a darkness that I like. The third stanza was my favorite, these lines especially:

While stars burn and shine, for so he allows,
The master of wishes that hastily vows
To bring forth desires to grant.


Also, kudos on the structuring in this poem. It's not a form I see a lot of, and I found that the rhythm and flow worked very nicely. Your rhyming was clever too.

Overall, a great read. Well done!
Reply
:iconthelunardragon:
TheLunarDragon Feb 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This Critique is on behalf of :iconpoeticalcondition:

I can honestly say I find nothing here that is critiquable. This poem is well written and you convey youe message clearly and smoothly. The only thing I can find to critique here is the category in which you placed this piece. I feel obligated to say that this is Technically not a Free Verse Poem, but rather a fixed form. The main way to tell the difference between fixed and free, is that free verse typically doesn't follow a structure or rhyme scheme. Beyond that, this was a very solid piece. Well done!
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Jan 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Wonderfully written!I love the rhythm and rhymingscheme/form of the work. It also flows surprisingly smoothly :nod: Meaning the meter is quite consistent. The rhyming is also well handled, it was natural and quite enjoyable. The theme/story is also told in a balanced manner. The balance is between the rhythm and the story. Meaning that the story itself is not that hard to understand and ,although really good, perhaps not very magical but the rhythm makes it stand out a lot. Over all a wonderful work :)
Reply
:iconnephele99:
thanks a lot ^_^
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Jan 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You are welcome :)
Reply
:iconichihitsufangirl:
IchiHitsuFangirl Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It starts and sets the scene so elegantly. It has a dark alluring quality to it. The rhyming scheme suits the poem so beautifully and I must applaud you on how well written it is. My favourite lines are: "And thus it begins, as no man can escape The sweet domination of want,". So smooth and true.
Reply
:iconnephele99:
thanks for the comment and the fave :hug:
Reply
:iconhayleyishayley:
Hayleyishayley Nov 2, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Brilliant work

As all exploration of such fragile minds
Leads only to nothing, and all that it finds
Are fragments of wishes and hate.
- my favourite bit. Gave me those shivers you get when you read something really good.
Reply
Add a Comment: